Saturday, May 27, 2006

Spies: They're Everywhere!



I'd like to know one thing and one thing only: HOW DID SHANA GALEN MANAGE TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT ME, WITHOUT EVER HAVING MET ME? Seriously, where did this chick get her info? NO MAN'S BRIDE, huh? Yep, that's me. I want to know how, if all men ARE NOT losers, I manage to meet so many of them. Is it my hair? Do I exude some scent that attracts these "rare" beings? Seriously, I'd really like to be clued in. Sometimes I feel like I'm being punk'd whenever I manage to go on yet ANOTHER date with ANOTHER loser.

A glimpse into my recent dating excursions, some of them set-ups:

1. Date 1 - Co-worker believes I am perfect for her cousin. I go along with it. He calls me; we arrange a date. I knew the date would suck the moment I laid eyes on him. He picks me up in a beat up car; he is about 15 years older than me. This moron proceeds to take me to a lesbian bar for a good hearty meal; he then proceeds to interrogate (yes, interrogate) me on WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME SINCE I'M NOT MARRIED YET? We get into a fight (wonder why). He insults me; I insult him back (hell hath no fury like a pissed off Italian chick). He starts telling me about an ex of his who dumped him (SHOCKER) and then apologizes over and over again about boring me to tears with his stories (what gave him that idea?). We fight some more; he tells me my expectations are too high, that I'm not getting any younger...blah blah blah. THEN THEN THEN he tells me he'd like to see me again. I tell him to....excuse my language here...FUCK OFF! I try to pay for half my meal; he gives me a dirty look and tells me not to insult him. Fine...free meal...it sucked anyway. DATE OVER.

2. Date 2 - another set-up. My friend's uncle has already met my husband and he's more than eager to introduce me to him. In any case, I give him my phone number; he gives it to the "MAN" and we chat on the phone for about 2 weeks before deciding to meet up. The day of the date, he gives me a call, fakes a cough and chickens out. I'm immediately turned off and don't even want to meet him. Something about his call pissed me off. Maybe it was the fake cough. We decide to meet at Starbucks a week later. He arrives about 10 minutes late. He's good looking...a little thin, but I'm more of a personality kinda girl. I already had my coffee; he gets his. We sit down. We talk. He bashes Italian people (bad idea since I'm 100% Italian), Italian food, Italian family get togethers. He whines the entire time about EVERYTHING, how his parents moved to a different state and just left him alone, how he hates this and that, how he thinks he's getting sick again because of X, Y and Z. Date ends. We go to our cars. We never speak again. DATE OVER.

3. Date 3 - I came to SF about 3 yrs ago for a wedding. At the time I still lived in NY. A male friend I got reacquainted with at a wedding invited me out for drinks. He was a perfect gentleman, very considerate...until he had to drop me off at the nearest BART station (subway/metro of SF). He looked bored, like he couldn't wait to kick me out of his car. Perhaps he had to go to the bathroom. Honestly, I have no clue what happened. It was after 2 AM. He drops me off at an area convenient TO HIM (and I'm an idiot because I let him do that, but honestly I was desperate to go home myself); I proceed to go catch the train and...discover the last one left at 1:15AM. I am ALONE in a shady part of SF and I have to get back to my parents' house (where I was staying) which is about 45 minutes East of SF. What do I do? I call my "friend;" he sounds put out (maybe because I didn't) and I just realized he would be no help. I did what anyone in my situation would do...I called my Daddy! Let's just say he was not happy. He drove to get me and I realized how lucky I was to have him.

4. Date 4 - Blind date...literally...my date was blind. It was really something. What a mess! I once worked for an insurance company. A blind attorney invited me to go to a wedding that nearly everyone in the office (EXCEPT ME...I still don't know why cats and dogs were invited to this wedding and I wasn't...) was going to. I didn't want to go. I disliked the bride (maybe that's why I wasn't invited) and everyone else. My boyfriend at the time (yeah, I had a boyfriend) guilted me into going by pulling the whole BUT HE'S BLIND, MAKE HIM HAPPY card. The wedding was a total debacle! I was bored and being gropped by a man who clearly was taking advantage of his disability. Not to mention, a friend of his wanted some action from me also, but I wasn't having it. Today, the blind date story makes a great conversation piece and ice breaker.

So what's wrong with me? Nothing. I'm attractive, Italian (what more can you ask for?), funny, sharp, educated. I can be a tad sarcastic and maybe a little too blunt, but unfortunately I've never perfected the art of sugar-coating. Are men threatened by me? I have no clue. I just know that Shana Galen knows a little bit too much about me and it scares the heck out of me!

9 comments:

Holly said...

Girl, you sound so much like me it's just SCARY! Big Italian Family? Check. Big Italian Attitude? Check. Men being scared by said Attitude and family? Check, check.

Gah!

Luckily, MM fell out of the sky (ok, really, he walked into my office and asked for a loan and Cookie and my mother took over from there, but they're heads are big enough already) and now, depsite the stupid dogs and other issues I have, I'm very happy.

See, there's hope for you. Come visit and I'll find you another MM. Not MY MM, of course, but one similar and sweet and...well, perfect for me.

I just made you feel fifty times worse, didn't I? *sigh* I really meant to cheer you up with this comment, I SWEAR!

romancelover said...

I should come over and you'll find me a perfect man...girl, I've lived everywhere (LA, DC, NY, Italy, and now SF) and I have yet to find "THE ONE." Where the f--k is he? No clue! All I know is that you can't plan these things...they happen spontaneously sometimes. Every set up has been disasterous and I try to stay away from them these days. Then again, people are always suggesting some and the guys will sound pretty awesome and then...nothing! They forget they even offered to set me up and then I learn 5 months later that the guy is dating some chick already and that he really wanted to be in a relationship...whatever.

I am a bit picky, but it's a survival mechanism really. I've dated too many losers; been in relationships with selfish A-holes and I can't compromise who I am for anyone anymore. I just won't do it! I will not settle for anyone just so I won't have to be lonely...because...well, honestly when you're not with the right person, you feel lonely despite his presence. I know I did...felt lonely and dirty!

I challenge you to find me the perfect man...I challenge you all. Believe you me, though, when I find the one, I will announce it to all!!! A BLIMP will be flying with the words I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE (the song by Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams will also be playing in the background).

- D!!!
P.S. You didn't depress me. It's all about patience really...I've got it. I just get irritated when I hear the "you're not getting any younger" bit and then I just want to find anyone!

sybil said...

You know you never find what you are looking for... maybe you should stop stressing over it.

Just a thought *g*

romancelover said...

Hey, Sybil!

I'm not stressing over it! This was actually brought about by a conversation with my parents today (usually is). Sometimes when you've got parents eager to become grandparents who are literally telling you to haul ass, you need to vent in some way...it just got me thinking, that's all...

I don't think about this stuff that much. People are always bringing it up and by "people" I mean my family...my parents' friends who tell me to get with the program and what not...it's stuff I need to vent about sometimes because people just don't understand it. Maybe this blog wasn't the right forum for it, but since Galen had that catchy title coming soon...hey, I thought WHAT THE HECK? LOL!

- D

Holly said...

Oh, believe me, I understand exactly where you're coming from. I was set up several times and heard the "It's been three years, DO something already", but meh! LOL

I'll keep my eye out, how's that? If someone happens to cross my path, I'll keep you in mind.

And good on you for not settling! I did that once and was miserable! NEVER AGAIN!

sybil said...

LOL you blog, you should blog about whatever your heart wants hon.

And tell your parents to shush. LOL Mine wouldn't even dream of asking such rubbish. Of course I am a bitch and have a divorce behind me *g*.

Mailyn said...

I get the same thing all the time from everyone... "when are you going to get a man and settle down? let me introduce you to (insert name here) or you may just end up all alone. you ain't getting any younger!"

my snappy answer: "well, if he is anything like your husband I think I'll take my chances alone"

mehehe


holly girl, find me a man! lol

holly is going to be our official matchmaker

oh and D go read my newest post lol

Janet W. said...

Girlfriend, run, don't walk, to the nearest literary agent, get signed up and start writing your own thinly disguised chick-lit memoirs. Or write your shopping list. Or write a column about Italian blind dates but know that anything you write, I'll read it!

You just have me in stitches!

dean said...

seems to me that us men are in exactly the same boat, been cruisin with relationships for years but never met a lady who i want to spend the REST of my life with. always imagined that the rest of my life was a long time, but as the years glide by yhey just seem to dissolve away and before too long you find that love and marriage etc just happen to other people.