Friday, December 30, 2005

Throw the Girl a Condom

Life's too short to spend it reading a horrendous romance novel. I normally force myself to finish a book, even a bad one, because 'til the end I believe the author's going to surprise me with some clever twist or breathtaking declaration of love. Tonight I wasn't feeling so kind and stopped reading before I broke out in hives.

It was mentioned that I read a lot of Avon, despite the fact that I hate them so much. True...true..I do...I can't help it because, deep down, I enjoy many of their authors' past works and I always hope I'll be rewarded in the future. However, I decided to distance myself from Avon for a bit and I picked up a book I purchased about a year ago at the local Walmart. I should have just stopped myself right there and watched JERSEY GIRL starring Jami Gertz instead. The book? TEMPORARY MISTRESS by Susan Johnson.

The book is essentially about an heiress who, at the death of her grandfather, finds herself forced to marry her fat cousin Harold; she escapes the clutches of her greedy relatives and finds herself on the doorstep of a splendid mansion which turns out to be one of London's infamous brothels. The heroine spills her guts to the madam and soon a plan is concocted by the two. THE ONLY THING THAT WILL SPARE HER A MARRIAGE TO HER COUSIN AND EXTREME UNHAPPINESS IS RUIN! Yep, the heroine's got to lose her virginity and be publicly shamed in order for her relatives to steer clear from her. I honestly didn't get how this would work, but whatever. The heroine and madam soon pick the Earl of Bathurst, our hero, to help with such a task. Tough job!

The book's premise, believe it or not, really struck me as having potential. I really thought I would be given more insight into the characters' thought process...oh, and a plot...yes, I thought Susan Johnson would give me a plot also. No such luck!!! The heroine went from virgin to slut in no time and even spied the hero getting a blow job from a whore. After the deflowering (which was really boring, by the way), there's the predictable separation. The wonderful hero then proceeds to have sex with every woman in sight. PIG!!! The guy must have been taking VIAGRA or was nuts! The Earl's "talents" were too much to bear.

For my own sanity, I had to put it away after about 135 pages or so. I almost wanted to save the heroine from this perverted nymphomaniac and toss her a few condoms (cause you know they didn't use any). I seriously saw them both expiring from the "French pox" or some other sexually transmitted disease. And the more I thought about how many women he had been with, the more my imagination ran wild. I soon began having flashbacks of college microbiology and the images of herpes, syphillis and all the other yummy STDs.

Sorry, this book is disgusting AND the characters are complete morons. The hero has no sense of loyalty to the heroine. I don't see this being a realistic depiction of love. We had a man soooooooo in love with a woman that he decides to sleep with everything in sight? I'm sorry but if that's love...well, I want none of it.

If you want a good sex-filled book, with plenty of romance and true love, read PASSION by Lisa Valdez.

If you want to be turned off love and sex for life, be my guest and read TEMPORARY MISTRESS. I look forward to trading it in for another book at my UBS tomorrow. Believe me, I would love to throw it in the garbage and spare another soul, but I really need the book money.

No comments: