Tuesday, January 01, 2008

A Small Dose of Reality

Imagine having a friend who:

a) recently separated from her spouse,
b) has a major crush on a co-worker,
c) claims she wants to be alone to find herself, since she's never been alone,
d) spent NYE with the co-worker she wants to bang.

What would you say to her? Keep in mind she's still married. First she says she's going to be alone and focus on herself and then I find out she's meeting the new guy's friend. SHE'S STILL MARRIED!!! I love her to death, but she's saying one thing and doing something else. It's driving me nuts because she's not even divorced and I'm getting all self-righteous on her ass because her hubby is a nice guy (she just fell out of love) and I feel like she being totally disrespectful. I don't know how to talk to her. I don't want her to get hurt either. Yeah, I know these are her mistakes to make...her life, but I'm the one who has to hear her talk about this new guy and then in the same breath claim she's not dating him. Sure....yeah, right!

I want to help her. I know I can't. I do need to talk to her w/o saying something I will regret. How would you handle it?

Oh..and BTW that new Julianne MacLean book stinks as much as that crap by Dodd I read recently. Review to come!


Angela James said...

I think if she's separated, it's much different than if she was still living with her husband. They may not be divorced (here in Maryland it takes over a year to get a divorce because you have to live apart for that long and I don't know many people who wait more than a year to date just because the divorce isn't final) but their marriage is over, yes? Sounds like you're having a hard time with that because you like her husband.

I was on the receiving end of this when I separated from my first husband so I have a different point of view. My friends treated me pretty badly because he was a nice guy--with issues no one else saw because they weren't in our marriage. He's still a nice guy. He'll make someone a great husband (as long as they don't mind doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and yardwork while he watches tv and drinks whatever's handy).Oddly enough, one of our friends had my husband as a roommate for awhile and the friend later apologized to me for how badly he'd treated me, because he thought my husband was such a nice guy and couldn't see how I could leave him. Yeah.

My point is, if your friend is your friend, and she's no longer with her husband, and you didn't live in their marriage, it's not up to you to judge what she's doing now because of whether her husband is a nice guy or not. Be her friend. You don't have to support her choices but you can still be her friend. Divorce is hard enough emotionally, whether you're the one to leave or not, without having other people make it harder for you (though it's always inevitable that you lose some friends in divorce because people always judge. And take sides. It sucks!)

romancelover said...

Thanks for the advice, Angela. I'll be there for her always. I guess I'm just concerned about her...I don't recognize her anymore and I don't feel like she's being completely honest with me. Ultimately, all I can do is be there for her though. Thanks again!

Holly said...

See, I'm on the opposite side of Angela. My ex wasn't a nice guy. At all. But when we seperated, I chose not to see anyone else until our divorce was final. I went over 2 years without seeing anyone, or even contemplating it. I just didn't think it was right. I took vows and those meant something to me, even if I couldn't remain in the marriage.

But she is right that you can't judge what she's doing. It's her life and you need to just let it go. And she's also right in saying you don't know what's going on in their marriage. Maybe he IS a nice guy, but no one but them knows what goes on behind closed doors, right?

I know you're not thinking of giving up on your friendship, but I think if you're honest with her and tell her how you feel, then you need to just let it go.

It's a rough place to be in, though. Big hugs!

Kristie (J) said...

Sadly - as much as you want to do something for her you can't. I know women like this - it's as if they need a guy to define them. I find it frustrating as hell - but there isn't any point talking to them because they just don't see it.
If it were me, I just wouldn't talk to her about it. If she brings it up - just change topics. Eventually and hopefully she will get the point.

avidbookreader said...

What KristieJ said, some women just cannot be alone. I cannot relate because most of my friends are still single and still looking. Anyway, just be her friend. Don't judge or take sides. Just hear her out and don't get in the middle. Just try to stay neutral. Don't have to agree but if you're advice isn't solicited, just don't. Just treat carefully.


avidbookreader said...

"tread" not "treat." Have a good weekend, sweetie and try not to worry so much. --Keishon